see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
