I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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