I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
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