What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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