mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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