Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
