When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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