genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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