Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
