the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Randomize
