In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Randomize
