and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
