Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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