I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
