theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
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