I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
