i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
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