I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
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