Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
