Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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