I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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