I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Randomize
