when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
