There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
