Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Randomize
