I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
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