Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
