proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
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