I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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