the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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