And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize