Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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