The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
