Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Four minutes until I can fart!
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Randomize
