Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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