I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
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