Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Holy shit dude........stairs
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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