I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
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