Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Randomize
