I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Randomize
