meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
