you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
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