I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Randomize
