You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
