You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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