why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Randomize
