it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
