Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
