I wish I could teleport
There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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