we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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