if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
