she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
