her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
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