apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I am available for nakedness
Randomize
