Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
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