It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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