My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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