Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Randomize
