there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
