Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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