all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
