It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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