I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize