Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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