My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize