Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
The uberlube is also flammable
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
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